The Real Me – Navigating Life With An Unfiltered Personality

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Discover the raw and unfiltered reality of living with autism, as I share the challenges of understanding my true self. Embark on a journey with me, exploring the challenges of living with autism and emphasizing authenticity.

In a world that often demands conformity, I found solace in being a real-life troll. My diagnosis journey unraveled uncomfortable truths about my identity. Much like an influencer in the news, the revelation was disconcerting. Reading the evaluation, I realized I wasn’t the person I thought I was.

I read in the newspaper one day about an influencer who received a troll diagnosis. Her reaction was very similar to mine:

I got a bit sad after this evaluation. I have had an image of myself, and when I read what is written here, it’s not the same Therese that I have identified with, she says and takes out the statement from the doctor and psychologist and reads aloud from it. “In summary, Therese’s test results show problems with attention and impulsivity. The impatience and lack of attention that Therese can exhibit are judged to be related to her unwillingness to engage in things unless they stimulate her or provide some added value,” she reads. – So, I am a really awful person, she exclaims then


The troll within

I am also a really awful person, a troll for real. Reading my evaluation was extremely difficult. Mostly because I recognized what was written, and understood, perhaps for the first time that I am not at all who I have always thought I was. I’ve probably had a pretty good handle on my good sides, but my weaknesses are aspects that I’ve explained away, blamed on someone else, or simply ignored. I understand that it’s hard to be my friend, especially if you want to be a close friend to me. Maybe that’s why I miss close friends. As I navigate life authentically, the challenges of living with autism become more apparent. Not even my wife fully accepts me for who I am, and she is frustrated many times over my shortcomings. This is summarized a bit in my diagnosis: Daniel has difficulty understanding social codes. Understands what people say literally but has difficulty interpreting more abstract or figurative expressions. Because of problems reading social codes, he jokes about things that don’t land well with others. Often has an angry/rough expression, is concrete. Can’t tiptoe around something but often says exactly what he thinks. Daniel has difficulty seeing how others react and doesn’t anticipate the consequences of his actions. He has difficulty accepting changes and often lingers in old routines.


The Angry old man in the neighborhood

I am an Angry old man who says things that no one wants to hear. Without a sense of consequences. It’s not fun to hear when you’ve just turned 40 and think you’ve started to get a handle on life in general. The worst part is that I recognize what’s written and realize that the troll has been present at the 9 a.m. coffee throughout my professional life. The hardest part is that now, having received my diagnosis and begun to understand the consequences of my disability, I realize that there are deeply rooted things that I am doing. I will never be able to change myself entirely, even if I wanted to because that energy is lacking. What comes naturally to neurotypical individuals, like not hurting their fellow human beings, requires constant active thinking for me. It’s not my intention to hurt anyone, but it’s like I have some kind of Tourette’s syndrome when I blurt out exactly what I think instead of wrapping it in cotton. Having strong opinions about something doesn’t make things easier; instead, you might say exactly what you think, like Volvo makes overrated cramped crap cars when a colleague has just bought a new V70. Instead of asking what they think about the new car’s navigation system.

Around 2006, I met a middle-aged man at the employment office whom I recognized as the “Angry bus driver.” I chatted with him for a while, and he explained that he had resigned. Driving a bus had been a dream since childhood, but “it doesn’t work.” He had Asperger’s and couldn’t handle the customer contact with all the passengers getting on the bus all the time. Tired and lost, he became constantly in a bad mood. He became frustrated and spewed out all his opinions about everything from the government to the bear’s magazine for the passengers. I had experienced the bad mood a few times myself and wished that he would find a new job where he wouldn’t have to meet new passengers all the time. Now, with my diagnosis, suddenly I am the angry man, the one who frustratedly says exactly what he thinks and feels in every moment without a thought of whether it hurts someone or has consequences.

Authentic Living Amidst Autism Challenges.

Where am I today? The realization that I can be the angry man is strong. I really hope that I manage to rein in my emotions when they boil over, but it’s hard. It’s something that everyone with the “angry man syndrome” must actively work on all the time. Some struggle more than others. At least I have the help of my wife, who dares to speak up, and that is perhaps the most important thing in my life. To have someone who dares to speak up. If you have a loved one who is a troll, don’t be afraid to speak up. If you just explain, I don’t think your relationship will worsen; rather the opposite.

Living Authentically with Autism – Emphasizing Authenticity and Challenges

Embrace your uniqueness! Share your thoughts on living authentically and navigating the challenges of self-discovery. Let’s create a supportive community where real stories empower us all.

Do you want to see another perspective on how the troll can emerge? Lina Liman has written about her diagnosis and how she has tried to understand herself.


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